Deal Me In

Finally saw an episode of Deal or No Deal, and I have to say I enjoyed it. The premise is simple, the psychology behind it twisted at times, and it was fun to watch. Howie Mandel makes a good host (even if he looks like Dr. Evil's hipster younger brother), balancing the usual genial host role with playing on the fear and greed of the contestants. I was less amused with the last player on Friday, as it seemed a bit staged to have both a gift from her husband on hand and a chance to call him. Did they do this with other contestants?

I do fear over-exposure, as we're getting another run of the show this week (which I don't think was originally planned). Hopefully, they'll put the thing on ice until Feburary sweeps after the second week is over.

Spanning the Globes

OK, so the Golden Globe nominations came out last week. The TV nods are as follows:

Best Drama: Lost, Prison Break, Grey's Anatomy, Rome, Commander in Chief

Lost is the only returning nominee. I assume Deadwood and The Sopranos were ineligible due to their unorthodox (by network standards) schedules, but I'm a little surprised that Nip/Tuck and 24 got passed over.

Out of the new nominees, I'm probably most surprised by Commander in Chief, which isn't too bad but doesn't really strike me as being one of the best five dramas on all of TV.

I don't watch Prison Break or Rome, so it's hard to handicap this one. I'd be tempted to go with Lost, but the slow pace of the season is pissing me off. Leaving my choice as Grey's Anatomy, which I think is better than CinC but doesn't exactly feel like the best drama out there.

Best Comedy - Curb Your Enthusiasm, Desperate Housewives, Entourage, Everybody Hates Chris, My Name is Earl, Weeds

I still don't feel like Desperate Housewives is a comedy, though its comedy is probably less ham-handed than its drama, so I'll just have to accept it. I don't watch any of the shows that are on pay cable, and I've not yet gotten into My Name is Earl. Which makes my pick, more or less by default, Everybody Hates Chris. Not that I think it'll win. I figure one of the cable shows will take it, and I look forward to a Larry David - Jeremy Piven grudge match.

Best Actor, Drama - Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy), Matthew Fox (Lost), Hugh Lawrie (House), Wentworth Miller (Prison Break), Kiefer Sutherland (24)

For my money there's no choice - if you can make an insufferable bastard likeable and betray exactly no vocal evidence that you're not actually American, you win. Hugh Lawrie, come on down!

Best Actress, Drama - Patricia Arquette (Medium), Glenn Close (The Shield), Geena Davis (Commander in Chief), Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer), Polly Walker (Rome)

Pretty good group. Arquette has prior award wins in this role, Close and David bring star power, and Sedgwick has hugely popular press for her work. All of which means Polly Walker will probably win.

Best Actor, Comedy - Zach Braff (Scrubs), Steve Carrell (The Office), Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm), Jason Lee (My Name is Earl), Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men)

Uh, Charlie Sheen? Really? I'd have loved to see a nomination for Tyler James Williams, who plays young Chris Rock on Everybody Hates Chris instead, but OK.

I'll go with Steve Carrell.

Best Actress, Comedy - all the actresses from Desperate Housewives and Mary-Louise Parker from Weeds

At least we don't get the entertainment reporters hyperventilating over which housewife got snubbed. Continuing a theme, though, a nod for Tichina Arnold, who plays Rochelle Rock on Everybody Hates Chris would have gone down nicely.

I'll go with Marcia Cross here, on the theory that Felicity Huffman might get something for Transamerica.

Supporting Actress - Candace Bergen (Boston Legal), Camryn Manheim (Elvis), Sandra Oh (Grey's Anatomy), Elizabeth Perkins (Weeds), Joanne Woodward (Empire Falls)

As much as I like Oh's work, I'd have rather seen a nod for castmate Chandra Wilson, who plays senior resident Dr. Miranda Bailey. She gets a lot less screen time, but does great things with it. She's kind of a female House, but without the loathing and the stubble.

Supporting Actor - Naveen Andrews (Lost), Paul Newman (Empire Falls), Jeremy Piven (Entourage), Randy Quaid (Elvis), Donald Sutherland (Commander in Chief)

Hard to pick against Paul Newman, on legend appeal alone. And with the absence of Terry O'Quinn, I'm OK with that.

Winging Away

I was going to post something about why the current run of The West Wing is so much less entertaining than episodes from even a couple of seasons ago, but then last night I ran across the news that John Spencer had died of a heart attack.

One of the few joys of the current season is the too-infrequent appearances of Leo McGarry. His re-emergence in the most recent episode, where he was bandied about as becoming both VP candidate and campaign director, was a nice treat. It is sad to think there may not be many more of them to come.

How You Doin'? Not So Good.

In the AfterMASH or Frasier dichotomy, Joey is proving to be a combination of the two: a single character from a strong ensemble show moves west to poor ratings and flops around for a couple seasons before being put out of its misery.

Not that Joey is dead yet, but it's being pushed off the schedule in the new year so My Name is Earl and The Office can move over to Thursday and re-establish NBC's two hour comedy block (along with Will & Grace and a new show called Four Kings that sounds like the bastard child of Friends and Sex in the City). After the Olympics, Joey is slated to return - but not to Thursday. So ends the Friends legacy on that night.

Were I to guess where Joey will end up, the most obvious spot is Tuesday at 9:30, after Scrubs. I don't see those two as particularly complimentary, and wonder how many of either show's fan base would tune in to the other one.

I suppose it could return to Thursday if Four Kings is DOA, but it'd have to be well and truly dead. NBC's shown some patience with sitcoms, and if they've been willing to give Joey and The Office a second season, I figure they'll at least give Four Kings half of one. The other option, of course, is an accelerated burn off in an hour-long slot to open up some time during May sweeps (just hope it's not for more fare like The Posideon Adventure).

In any case, it's not looking good. David Schwimmer better get in his guest appearance now.

No Pie for Me

For what it's worth, I struck out in the great Dave's Mom pie guessing contest. I went with cherry and rhubarb, and she actually made pumpkin (for like the fifth year in a row) and blueberry (which I don't think she'd done before).

In related Dave news I have yet to watch the Oprah episode, but hear that it was what you'd expect, which is too bad. I was hoping for at least one appearance of the Oprah Log, but it wasn't to be.

In completely unrelated news, I am finally caught up with Lost. I'm at a stage of this show that feels kind of like where I was during my late-blooming viewership of The X-Files, where the information is coming just a little too slowly for my taste. I also can't say I was shocked by last week's ending, where Walt and his dad re-connect on the bunker's computer. If they really wanted it to be shocking, it should have been Shannon (better - Michael's wife) on the other end of the box. That would have been a serious mind-bender.

Yesterday's News

A few TV-related stories I thought were interesting:

* Oprah to appear on Dave - after years of jokes and being "totally out of town," Oprah Winfrey has finally relented to appear on Late Show with David Letterman. Not surprisingly, the musical version of The Color Purple premieres that night. I doubt they'll spend much time reading from the Oprah Log.

Please tell me that the other guest that night is Uma Thurman...

Speaking of Dave, be sure to tune in tomorrow when Dave makes his annual guesses as to what pies his mom made for Thanksgiving dessert. And if you'd like compete in the guessing rather than just watch, you can try to win a pie by submitting your own guesses.

* Simon Cowell no longer on American Idol? It's a possibility, as he's still negotiating his contract with the show and is involved in a lawsuit with show creator Simon Fuller, who claims that Cowell stole the format for his popular British talent/reality show The X Factor. The winner of this year's American Idol also won't be required to sign with Cowell's label, and he's not particularly interested in making a star for someone else.

Assuming he does leave, I'd expect Nigel Lythgoe to step in based on his work on both American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance?. Given that I found the latter show dull and its panel of five judges irritating beyond belief, I don't see such a replacement going well. Based on his performance as a guest judge, I'd rather see Mark McGrath take the spot - he wasn't as cutting as Cowell, but he's more likely to not get involved in a contestant-praising tongue bath than Lythgoe, Randy Jackson, or Paula Abdul.

* Speaking of actual news, Ted Koppel anchored his final episode of Nightline last night. There's some sort of anchor team in place to replace him, and considering that one of the members is noted Michael Jackson interviewer Martin Bashir, I don't have good feelings about the future of the program. Good night and good luck, indeed.

The House of Walgreens

The saddest thing I've seen this season of America's Next Top Model? A weekly "My Life as a Cover Girl" ad where the winner of the last "cycle," Naima Mora, spent a day signing autographs at Walgreens.

Now, I don't suppose I have much room to talk - Walgreens has never brought me in to sign things, at least outside of charge slips - but there's clearly a difference between life as a Cover Girl and life as a Top Model. Sadly, in the case of this show's winners, it doesn't appear to be all that much.

Thankfully, the remaining contestants in the current "cycle" seem like they'd be perfect appearing at mid-budget drug stores.

Cheerio, Trio

Word comes today that NBC is finally pulling the plug on Trio, an off-beat little network that you probably didn't get unless you had a dish (though DirecTV dropped it, removing about 12 million subscribers) or one of the higher-end digital cable packages. It will be re-launched on broadband via the Bravo website, retaining some of its current programming (such as the now ironically-named short-run series compendium Brilliant But Cancelled) while developing new content for its new form.

We don't get Trio on our current package, but I've had it before, and enjoyed its mix of original stuff and reruns of The Larry Sanders Show and Late Night with David Letterman. You get the sense that Trio was doomed from the start - too small to compete, too useful to NBC for other purposes once bought - but it will be missed all the same.

The hole left in the digital landscape by Trio's demise will seemingly be plugged by a mystery-themed channel called Sleuth. Not sure what the content of this will be like, but given what NBC's done with Bravo, expect one or two original series that will get run into the ground and re-runs of NBC properties.

Hey! I know her!

I rarely (OK, pretty much never) get to say such a thing when the credits are rolling during a TV show, but I did the other day when watching an episode of NBC's version of The Office. Turns out that Jennifer Celotta, who I worked with as a RA back in the day, got a supervising producer credit on that episode (and has writing credits for the show, as well as writing and/or producing credits on shows from Home Improvement to Andy Richter Controls the Universe).

I've not talked to her in well nigh a decade, but it was a happy feeling to see the name of someone I'd still consider a friend displayed on national TV. I'm sure she'll feel the same way when she Googles herself and finds her name on this dog and pony show (well, dog show, I couldn't afford to keep the pony).

As for The Office, you are now all commanded to watch it. *Clap Clap*!

It's not that confusing

So Donald Trump recently blamed "confusion" for the ratings problem the original version of The Apprentice is having, saying that the Martha viewers caused this "confusion" and that her ratings tailspin is causing the problem with the mothership - which The Donald claims he predicted.

Just as he predicted he could take the USFL into the fall and run profitable casinos in Atlantic City, I'm sure.

My theory is a little different. I think the ratings are down because The Apprentice is formulaic and boring. The problems?

1. There are too many contestants. It takes a good three weeks to get the names down, and even then some of those names belong to the crazies who get fired early. We're six weeks in and I still can't tell most of the guys apart.

2. The tasks are repetitive. Even someone like me, who never had an inkling to go to B-school, now gets the idea that branding is important. Why? Because every task seems to revolve around brand identity and marketing.

3. The shilling is irritating. And this is why we have these marketing tasks - there's a sponsor to plug. Whether it's going to Best Buy to get gadgets or taking the kids to see the surprisingly difficult-to-pronounce Zathura, the tasks are less about finding business leaders than it is an informerical interspersed with people yelling at each other. Yeah, that's going to get me to part with my cash.

4. The hype is, well, typical. NBC has a long and dark history of over-hyping episodes, and every time we hear about an UNBELIEVABLE and UNPRECEDENTED boardroom where DONALD WILL BE QUESTIONED and SOMETHING THAT NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE HAPPENS, we get deflated when we see what actually happened - something that can never live up to the hyperbole.

5. The rewards are stupid. You made a great parade float - go cut a song with Wyclef Jean. Huh?

6. The duplication is overkill. A spin-off with Martha was actually a good idea. Running it at the same time as the original wasn't. And spending more than five minutes on a catch-phrase wouldn't have hurt, either.

So how do we fix this?

1. Fewer contestants. Cut it back to 14, and either don't take some of the marginal folks or save them for the next installment. If we get to know the players sooner, we're more likely to stay interested.

2. Mix up the tasks. The first season had some different tasks - negotiate for deals, sell water, etc. Do more things like that. And while you're at it, maybe scrap the team set up for the first couple of weeks. Throw in some individual challenges, let us see how the contestants work on their own and not when they're trying to manage people who spend the whole task planning a boardroom strategy.

3. More TV show, less product placement. There's already advertising during the show. Let's stop having the product placement followed by the ads followed by the Yahoo! tie-in. People are hip to this and it'd be refreshing to see a move away from it.

4. Tone down the hype. If NBC won't let you, move. Seriously, find someone who can promote a show without running it into the ground.

5. Scrap the rewards. They bring nothing to the show. Spend that time with more task footage - it's so heavily edited to being with (given how much time they have to cover) that a couple more minutes may not add much. But it couldn't hurt.

6. Alternate Donald with another host, and rotate that host. You keep Donald fresh, don't have another host who may challenge him in stature, and you get to mix things up based on the new host's area of expertise.

The one thing I would not change - Carolyn and George. In fact, give them the time saved by cutting the rewards.

Saturday Night Lame

Is last night's SNL par for the course for this season? I watched the opening skit, the monologue, the fake ad, and the first skit. None of them were all that good.

First off, I can't even remember the opening skit. Considering that's supposed to set up the show, nice job there. Catherine Zeta-Jones' monologue was OK, mostly her tap dancing while singing how regardless of her performance, no one can take her Oscar away. But in the middle of it she makes an off-hand reference to dropping the F-bomb, which is a little unseemly given the recent death of Charles Rocket.

Then there's an ad about bum cancer or something which is mostly an excuse for the actors to talk like fourth graders, but with a straight face. The first skit, where Zeta-Jones plays a CNN reporter whose appearance degrades over time while covering a disaster in Afghanistan (and then, somehow, Hurricane Wilma), was incredbily pointless.

I packed it in at that point. I'm told it didn't get any better. Why does a reprise of Saturday Night's Main Event sound like a good idea?

Type A-gonizing

In what might be the most useless casting of the new season, Joely Fisher is playing Lynette's boss on Desperate Housewives. Given that all the character does is go on about how kids can't come before work and show off her boobs, they probably could have gotten by with someone less famous.

I assume there'll be more to this character later, but considering at this point I don't even think she has a name (IMDB lists her as "Lynette's Boss"; if she has a name, it's used infrequently enough that I can't think of it), I'm not feeling positive.

Adding to this is the likely absence of Felicia, the sister of Martha Huber played winningly by Harriet Sansom Harris. She had about 15 seconds of exposition last week saying she was going back to Utah for awhile (and foreshadowing the return of Paul Young at some point). I'll miss her straight talk and baked goods.

An up and coming business whackjob

Sadly, viewers of The Apprentice had to bid adieu last night to Toral, whose potential for becoming the new Omarosa was just beginning to be achieved. Seriously, I don't think I can quantify the level of narcissism and ego she presented. Simply put, none of us is equal to the task of wiping her ass.

If you don't watch the show, and you'd like an idea of what I'm talking about, a fairly simple Google search should get you to her official website, which is as sad a cry for lingering fame-whoredom as you can get. My favorite part is the link for a book that is "coming soon." One hopes it will explain which Eastern religion forbids its practicioners from wearing mascot costumes (as she claimed last night when asked to wear such a costume as part of a task).

While I don't watch the show hoping for a "new" Omarosa, and didn't care for how long she lasted (and thus how long NBC could over-hype her), I'd have liked at least a couple more weeks of Toral's full-on crazy. If nothing else, it infuriated the core group of her team (known variously as the Heathers or Blonde Mafia or Coven). It'll be fun watching this group turn on itself.

Love Hates

When a UPN sitcom gets fulsome praise - meaning, given that it's UPN, any - you have to start wondering about it. When people came out of the up-fronts hailing Everybody Hates Chris, I had conflicting emotions. Mostly they were varieties of "UPN has a good sitcom?" and "I hope they don't screw this up."

They didn't screw it up, and UPN has a bona fide sitcom success.

Finally.

It's not that the show is particularly groundbreaking. The set-up is actually pretty traditional, not that far off from the likes of The Wonder Years: family, school, the neighborhood, and the times are all recounted through the eyes of a 13 year old kid.

But it's the way the story gets told - with a deft mix of realism and humor - that makes the show stand out. Halfway through the pilot a bully uses the N-word, which is pretty unheard of in a sitcom. But the way the reaction to this is handled, it becomes a successful comedic moment (if a little painful given the pummeling to come).

There's also a good sense of when not to fall into sitcom conventions. For example, when Chris eats part of his dad's dinner, a regular sitcom would play up the aftermath. Here, there's a pretty good visual and a follow-up that actually makes sense rather than screaming and a fat joke at the dad's expense.

While most of the acting kudos are going to the actor playing Chris, his parents are played very well, too.

Watch this show!

Speaking of cranky men

Is it me, or has Dr. House gone past snarky and sarcastic to being an ass? He's seemed particularly mean in the last couple of episodes. Maybe he's building a tolerance to Vicodin.

Still, great show. I just hope they come up with more episodes that don't follow the "save the patient with the rare/unusual condition by almost/actually killing them" pattern that's been the show's hallmark. I'm not saying they have to go all soap opera, but it might be nice to ease back the throttle at times.

Man of Science, Man of Faith, Men of Annoyance!

As much as I'm happy that Lost is spilling some of its secrets (leading, of course, to new ones), I've been a little irritated with the polarization of Jack as the "Man of Science" and Locke as the "Man of Faith." Anything that leads to that much yelling can't be good. We could use more of Sayid acting as the "Man of Practicality," as it seems to take both Jack and Locke down a peg.

Heck, we could use more of Sayid, Charlie, Claire, Shannon, or Sun. They've been pretty invisible so far, yet the first three episodes all included Jack and bunker buddy Desmond in their stand-off. It is maddening how the show will advance at top speed for a while and then rehash stuff for a while. I suppose it will continue to help new viewers sort things out, but I'd have to think that evening things out would help them pace the series. I fear an Alias-type reboot.

I'm also getting a little tired of the flashbacks, though I assume they include information and clues that I should be picking up on (for example, in the Michael flashback from a couple of weeks ago, he gives a toddler version of Walt a stuffed polar bear before Walt's mom takes him to Rome - clue, or coincidence?).

Regarding the "others," I was fairly disappointed that Michael, Sawyer, and Jin didn't spend a couple of seconds wondering how Ana-Lucia managed to live for six weeks on her own, avoiding both major population groups until her "capture." Granted, Sawyer should be in shock from his wound, Michael from losing his son, and Jin shouldn't be able to understand English (or should he?). But still, given the level of paranoia they've been at for a while, I can't imagine they'd just open up to some mystery survivor.

Sophie's Choice it wasn't

Remember Cassandra, the contestant who mourned her hair for the better part of the last episode of America's Next Top Model? In the latest episode, she is given the choice of getting her hair cut down another inch or so to actually get the look that was originally intended, or go home. She chose... her hair. Seriously. She tried to make her decision look like it was made on principle, but her mom had one of the better lines of the night noting that such a decision isn't made on principle, but vanity.

After quitting, Cassandra noted she was going home, getting hair extensions, and hoped to be back in our good graces as Miss USA.

What little hope pageants had regaining a toehold on relevancy just evaporated.

This past week also ended the show's breif foray into bi-curiousness, as Sarah, who did engage in some more (off camera) tonsil hockey with Kim, the openly gay contestant, was sent home. In fact, Sarah and Kim were the two on the hot seat, so it was doomed to end either way. This week promises impromptu topless photos at the house, but you know nothing interesting will come of it.

The axe falls thrice

In reverse order of surprise:

NBC yanked the fertility clinic drama Inconceivable after just two airings, which isn't too bad considering it sounded like something that should have been pulled off the schedule before September. They might as well just make Three Wishes three hours long.

The WB joined in the fun by dumping Just Legal, proving that we're not quite ready for yet another Don Johnson revival. They'll be showing re-runs of Related in the time slot... at least until they cancel that show, too.

Moving to cable, FX dropped Starved while picking up It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I've not seen the latter, but having watched a few episodes of Starved I can't say I'm really surprised. It wasn't a bad show, but I don't think it was quite strong enough given the difficulty in pulling comedy out of eating disorders.

Your virtual seat in the boardroom

Yahoo has a game where you pick various things about the coming episode (who gets canned, who says various quotes, etc.). If I can play fantasy bass fishing, I can play this. And, of course, you are all invited.

Hie thyself over to the game page and make your entry (you'll need a Yahoo login). After that, you can join my group:

Group ID: 1752
Password: trump

As I've just discovered this game today, anyone joining before the questions for next week (which aren't up yet) lock will be starting even.

Sponsored by Prilosec

All is apparently forgiven at Saturday Night Live, as Ashlee Simpson will return to that show later this month as the musical guest. Although, really, I think if you violate the whole "live" concept of the show, you shouldn't get a second chance.

Of course, her return will generate a spike in viewership just to see what happens. Prediction: she'll sing a couple of songs from her new album. Badly. Other than that, nothing. Kind of sad, really. I'd have to think there are hundreds of musical acts who should get a shot at actually performing before Simpson gets a second bite at displaying her atonality.

It's also kind of sad to think that Lorne Michaels has sold out so much, but if the steady string of pointless SNL-inspired movies wasn't enough to prove it, nothing is.

The sex and love will remain a secret

The second casualty of the TV season is here: UPN gave the heave-ho to the Denise Richards vehicle Sex, Love & Secrets. Really, you knew the show was doomed when they used "Love" to replace the word "Lies" in the title. What good is a prime-time soap that gets rid of the lies?

So it looks like no desperation sweeps stunt that puts Richards in as little clothing as possible, or brings in Neve Campbell for a Wild Things reprise. So sad.

Suburbia has never been so dangerous

Consider that, in the first two episodes of Desperate Housewives, we've seen:

* Bree manhandle her husband's corpse to change the tie he'd wear into the hereafter.
* Bree slap her mother-in-law to snap her out of a crying jag.
* Zach hold a gun on Susan and Mike.
* Susan attack Zach to get the gun.
* Bongo (Mike's dog) attack Susan when she's holding the gun on Zach.
* Susan firing the gun, hitting a neighbor's bottle of hooch (thereby getting the woman to kick the habit, so there's that).
* Susan getting a split lip from the tussle over the gun.
* Susan "accidentally" backing her car over Edie.
* Tom using several blows from a shovel to dispatch a rat Lynette had planted to get Tom to clean the house (OK, we didn't actually see this, but the description was pretty bad).
* Carlos getting beaten up in jail because Gaby talked Carlos' cellmate's girlfriend out of a boob job.
* Betty and her son have a guy chained to pipes or something in their basement.

Do you get the sense that the Hellmouth has moved from Sunnydale to Wisteria Lane?

A very bad thing

For reasons I can't quite comprehend, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart is getting flip-flopped with E-Ring, meaning that it gets to recover from its early slump by squaring off against Lost.

Does anyone think that's the way to improve ratings? I suppose it represents a way to protect the investment in E-Ring and the relationship with Jerry Bruckheimer. But it's still pretty odd.

Good news, bad news

Good news: finally got a DVR, opting for the one available through Comcast. Didn't have to buy the box, and the service is cheaper than TiVo (though the functionality is a little less).

Bad news: it's already something like 25 percent full. I'm going to need to go back on vacation just to catch up.

What is odd-looking?

The answer is apparently every Final Jeopardy round this season.

Don't know the technical issue, but every time I've watched Jeopardy! this season, the Final Jeopardy seems like it was filmed differently. Not sure if it's something they have to do to match up with the specs of the ads, but it's very distracting.

I didn't see any frickin' dolphins

While I'm a week behind with Lost, I did appreciate that the long-discussed hatch seemed to lead into one of Dr. Evil's former lairs. For those of you who didn't see it, the main room of the place (as far as was revealed) was an underground geodesic dome full of computer equipment from the 1970s. Much of the rest of the complex had a similar feel to it, decor-wise.

All that was missing was Frau Farbissina, who was apparently off shilling for chicken sandwiches while wearing one of Austin Powers' suits.

I will say that the season opener was a nice return to form for the show, as the energy of the early episodes ebbed quite a bit. All the flashbacks don't help. Especially when they feature Matthew Fox wearing some sort of rodent on his head.

It Got Twisted

Ebony, whose wacky catch-phrase I mentioned in my last post about America's Next Top Model, was this week's rejectee. She was the last person to make the finals (last named at least, though Tyra said she didn't originally think Ebony would make the final cut), and I don't think she panned out as the show's resident African-American Contestant With Issues.

The closest we have is Cassandra, the 19 year old Texas beauty pageant entrant who pretty much called herself a sociopath in the previous episode, only to bawl for pretty much the entirety of the last episode after her long, brown hair was hacked off and dyed to approximate Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby (and Tyra wasn't happy with how they left it, so it's going to get cut even more - hope they laid in more Kleenex).

We have yet to find the Contestant With Medical Issues, though the Contestant With Sexual Identity Issues is coming to the fore, as the promo for next week suggests that Sarah, who played tonsil hockey with the openly gay contestant, is going back for more. Good times.

I Suppose There's Enough Drama Already

One thing I forgot to mention about America's Next Top Model that was problematic: the identity of the finalists was available on the UPN website before the show even aired. Which makes a two hour paring down from 36 kind of anti-climactic.

Unless you enjoy squabbling over Chap Stik and the phrase "Don't get it twisted." Sometimes, getting to pick on Jay Manuel isn't enough.

You Can All Stop Yelling At Me Now

After a couple of seasons being harangued by just about anyone who watches TV, I finally took the time to watch an episode of Arrested Development last night.

It's... unusual.

Which isn't to say that I didn't like it - I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. It's just different. Different enough that I can fully understand why it's not appealing to a mass audience - the comedy is less broad and more... I don't know. Esoteric? Absurd?

I also wonder if the learning curve for joining into the show is too steep. While I think I've got the basics sorted out, I know that I'm missing a lot, too, and for someone who may already be on the fence with the show, they may not want to stick around (or get the DVDs) to catch up.

Though I think I'll return. It's not like there's much else on that appeals to me.

I also stuck around to see Kitchen Confidential, which even in a sanitized form (compared to the book) is a decent way to kill a half hour. I'll be interested to see how this develops.

Ratings surprises

A couple of notes from Thursday:

Everybody Hates Chris finished in second place for its timeslot, becoming the most-watched sitcom in UPN history (for what it's worth). It managed to beat both Joey and The O.C. in some key demos and in total viewers. This both underscores the trouble Joey is in and that The O.C. may not be the smash hit Fox keeps telling us it is.

Also of interest was that Criminal Minds beat the season premiere of ER, though by slimmer margins. This can't bode for the return of Without a Trace to the timeslot; I suppose we'll finally learn if ER is bulletproof or not.

Off With Their Head Cases

Just two weeks into its run, Fox is cancelling the Adam Goldberg-Chris O'Donnell vehicle Head Cases. Its second airing apparently lost half of the audience that tuned in the first time around, which is never a good thing.

Nanny 911, scheduled for mid-season, will take its place until the baseball playoffs start, after which Trading Spouses will pick up the time slot.

Sadly, I did not have this show in my dead pool entry.

New Season, Old Shows

Finally got around to watching some TV this week, and while I still need to watch House, Lost, Apprentice: Martha, and Everybody Hates Chris, here's what's been on the idiot box the last couple of days:

America's Next Top Model started another cycle, and on the plus side they've jettisoned Nole Marin as a judge and brought in J. Alexander, who should have been a regular a while ago. On the slightly negative side, Janice Dickinson is gone, so no more psychotic outbursts from her side of the table. In her stead is Twiggy, who isn't too bad - she's pretty honest in her comments, just less demonstrative. On the bizarre side, Jay Manuel is now about one shade away from Oompa-Loompa.

The show itself was fairly predictable - 36 women were pared down to 20 and then 13 within about 45 minutes. Within the two hour premiere we got two runway "shows" and an aerial shoot, which seems like a lot out of their bag of tricks in a short amount of time. As for the women themselves, it's a pretty generic group more identifiable by stereotype (Beauty Queen, Lesbian, Small Towner, Spoiled Brat, etc.) than name.

Anyway, it doesn't look like this cycle will be any better or worse than any other, a level of predictability which is getting boring - though probably not for UPN, who can use the stability.

Joey had an hour premiere, and it was... Joey. They've made some changes (his sister works for his agent now, and he's got a new actor-friend to hang with), but it's still pretty marginal.

The Apprentice has similar issues to both of these other shows - it's formulaic, and the changes made during the off-season don't change things too much. The big innovation this season is that the winning project manager can only get immunity if the team votes for him/her to have it. I'm not sure anyone will get immunity, given that your average contestant would rather have one more person in the boardroom should the next task not go so well. It also takes some of the reward away from the risk of being project manager, though it's not like you can win without taking the role a couple of times, at least.

Future thing to watch for: Carolyn gets to run the show one week. I suppose if Surface doesn't work out, Apprentice: Carolyn could fill in Mondays at 8.

Spoiled for Choice

Let's see, tonight we have:

* The premiere of the Martha Stewart version of The Apprentice.

* The two-hour season premiere of the latest cycle of America's Next Top Model.

* The two-hour season premiere of Lost.

All starting at the same time! Thankfully, Martha will re-run on CNBC. ANTM is also re-run, but I don't think they're doing the full two hours. Which means I'll likely have to watch that and tape Lost, as I'm the only one in the house who watches it.

Thankfully, the DVR comes Saturday.

Something Different

I did three things tonight I've not done in a while.

1. Watched significant portions of the Emmy Awards. And really, it wasn't too bad. Ellen DeGeneris is a good host (and was used effectively), there were some interesting acceptance speeches (Felicity Huffman and James Spader come to mind), and the Emmy Idol thing wasn't a complete train wreck.

Even if Shatner got robbed.

And on top of everything, it was over by 11. Oscar producers, take note.

2. Watched a new episode of The Simpsons at its regular time. I'd been catching them as reruns mostly, as I can't get really worked up to catch them as they air. As with many episodes in the last few seasons, I was underwhelmed.

3. Watched The West Wing, this time the second half of last season's finale that saw Jimmy Smits' character gain the Democratic presidential nod. It was OK; the convention speech where Smits says he was asked to give a speech bowing out, but isn't going to because we live in a democracy was pretty ham-handed, and a little too typical for the show (from what I remember for not watching for the last couple of seasons).

Really, I hope Alan Alda's character wins the election. But he's a Republican, and he didn't get Leo McGarry to be his running mate. Unless they're planning a big mid-season cast change, you should get ready for President Santos (it's a bad sign that it took me 5 minutes to remember the character's last name).

Is it wrong that I want Santos to get elected so he can get hit by a bus and make Leo the president?

Bring Out Your (TV) Dead

Another season of the LaPlaca Open, the Internet's best TV dead pool, recently kicked off (so to speak). The premise: pick 10 shows that you think will come a-cropper by the end of the 2005-06 season. You get 20 points per show that tanks, with a bonus based on ranking (top show gets you 10 more points, down to one for your last show).

So who did I pick?

10 - Will & Grace - A slam-dunk given that its in its last season. Earning me 30 points will be the best thing this show has ever done for me.

9 - Monday Night Football - An entry I never would have expected at this point last year, but its move to ESPN next season opens the door for more cheap points.

8 - Unconceivable - NBC's fertility clinic show seems ripe for the cancelling: it's on Friday, has a premise that seems a little too specialized (how many cases of infertility can you follow before things get dull?), and hasn't gotten much by way of positive press from the day it was announced as being on the schedule.

It's also up against Numb3rs and 20/20, which may be problematic even though it's probably the most light-hearted choice of the three.

7 - Rodney - I'll give a shiny nickel to anyone who can tell me the network, the day and time this airs, and who plays the title character WITHOUT looking it up.

6 - Hot Properties - I may be stretching here, given that it has some well known cast members (Gail O'Grady, Nicole Sullivan) and is on ABC's TGIF, which seems pretty tolerant of crap (hello, Hope and Faith). But word is that this show is just awful, so it was hard to pass up.

5 - The Night Stalker - This show was a good idea in its time (mid-1970s): a reporter investigates the unknown, supernatural, and just plain creepy while showing some gumption and often being more lucky than good. The sense I get from the new show is that it'll be moodier, which may take some of the fun out of it. Not to mention that the supernatural became almost passe with The X Files, and is already looking a little thin this season what with the two oceanic alien shows and the WB show actually called Supernatural.

It doesn't help that this is going up against CSI, The Apprentice, and the much-hyped Fox show Reunion.

4 - Related - A show about four sisters that tries to rip off Sisters and Sex in the City simultaneously, and from what I've heard does neither well. It's also up against Lost, E-Ring, and Veronica Mars. I'm also not sure that One Tree Hill is the most natural lead-in; you'd think Gilmore Girls would make more sense... until you realize viewers would start making comparisons.

3 - Threshold - One of the two oceanic alien shows in my top ten, it does have a cast you've likely heard of (Charles S. Dutton, Carla Gugino, Brent Spiner), but I don't see this working so well given that Friday nights have been hostile towards such shows in the past, and CBS doesn't have much of a track record with the genre. It's also got another new show, The Ghost Whisperer, as a lead-in. That show stars Jennifer Love Hewitt.

How did I not put that in my entry?

2 - Surface - NBC's entry into the watery ETs genre, it's facing competition from comedies (the CBS block and Fox, which is hoping a move of Arrested Development and the new Kitchen Confidential will fare well) and the perpetual viewing machine that is 7th Heaven. What I've heard of the show suggests that it's a bit sprawling, so viewers may not stay tuned in if there are a lot of loose ends with plot and character.

1 - Out of Practice - It's part of the CBS Monday night sitcom lineup, which suggests it'll do well, but I've read some awful reviews. It could come around, but CBS has two mid-season sitcoms - starring Jenna Elfman and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, respectively - that could step in should this show about doctors not pan out.

It also has Paula Marshall in the cast, which is like the kiss of death right there.

It Sings for Itself

From the CBS website, a wrinkle for the upcoming 57th Emmy Awards broadcast:

Get in tune with this year's Primetime Emmy Awards broadcast with a new contest in tribute to television's favorite theme songs entitled "Emmy Idol," with performances by Kristen Bell ("Veronica Mars"), Gary Dourdan (CSI:), Grammy Award-winning R&B artist Macy Gray, Emmy Award winner and current nominee Megan Mullally ("Will & Grace"), Emmy Award winner and current nominee William Shatner ("Boston Legal"), real estate mogul and current Emmy nominee Donald Trump ("The Apprentice") and famed opera star Frederica von Stade.

Throughout the Emmys broadcast, in an "American Idol"-esque contest, these television and music personalities will trigger fans' memories of some of their favorite television theme songs. Bell will perform the theme song from "Fame;" Dourdan and Gray will join forces to perform "Movin' On Up" from "The Jeffersons;" Mullally and Trump will together perform the theme song from "Green Acres;" Shatner and von Stade will team up to perform the theme to "Star Trek." During the live broadcast, viewers can return here to vote for their favorite of the theme songs performed during "Emmy Idol." They will also be able to vote via text message. The winner will be announced toward the end of the broadcast.

So Tell Us What You Really Think

We've got the Hurricane Katrina telethon on now, and Kanye West just had a meltdown.

At first, it was stuff I'd heard in places before - the media labeling African-Americans as looters and white people as just looking for stuff, the use of force against the folks stuck in New Orleans, etc. Mike Meyers, who was on screen with him, did his best to stick to the script.

When they went back to West, he led with "George Bush doesn't care about black people."

They cut really quickly to Chris Tucker after that. Meyers, for his part, managed to remain fairly professional while still having a "what did he just say?" air about him.

Interestingly, Meyers once had a similar role on a Saturday Night Live skit. He was an inventor of a pasta machine, and Heather Locklear played the host of an infomercial for it. As it progressed, Locklear's character became increasingly racist, calling out all the major (and a couple of minor) ethnic groups. Once again, life imitates art.

More Hatin' on the Stupid Dance Show

Tonight's results show was taped completely separately from the new competition episode, which makes for some serious cognative dissonance when, in a matter of seconds, the dancers have new clothes, hairstyles, and partners. The laborious pace isn't helping, either. Nor is the continuous crying when someone gets booted off. I expect self-immolation to follow an elimination sometime in the next two to three weeks.

Of course, all of this was trumped when I learned that one of the contestants on the T(Thisspaceforrent)C-hosted UPN show R U the Girl is named O'so Krispie. Yikes.

So You Think You Can Fill Time?

While I've not been watching the episode of So You Think You Can Dance? from last week, the wife's viewing has been in the background as I've been doing things. From what I've heard, it sounds like that episode, a full 2 hours, had about 12 minutes of dancing (six couples and six individuals in a "dance-off" to stay on the show) wedged into vacuous judge comments, pointless interviews, and the hypersensitive shrieks of the audience every time a judge said something that could possibly be interpreted as negative. Or positive, really.

And let's not forget the ads, which come with regularity. This includes two breaks during the dance-off, when you think you could build some energy by having each dancer come out one after another in a sort of "can you top this?" performance. Instead, each dancer is separated by a pointless interview and pimping of the phone number to keep them on the show. Which just drags things down even more.

If a show sounds as bad as this, I can't hold out too much hope for the watching.

Not the Finest Kind

As a M*A*S*H fan, I generally appreciate the four episodes that the Hallmark Channel airs each night (though I'd appreciate them more if they weren't on from 11 pm to 1 am). Tonight, though, would be the perfect line-up for someone trying to demonstrate the lack of quality in the later seasons:

"Sons and Bowlers," which features a 4077th versus Marines bowling tournament. The subplot, where learn a lot about the relationships that Hawkeye and Charles have with their respective fathers, keeps this from being a complete stinker.

"Picture This," where Potter's attempt to paint the gang are disrupted by a feud between Hawkeye and BJ. Not a horrible episode, just predictable in how it turns out.

"That Darn Kid," where a goat eats the company payroll. I don't think I have to elaborate.

"The UN, the Night and the Music," where a visit by a UN group turns the camp upside-down. About the only good part of this episode is Charles trying to out-snob the British member of the delegation.

While none of these is a bottom five stinker (OK, the goat eating the payroll is in the running), these four demonstrate three things that make the later episodes so difficult at times:

1. An increasing need to use melodrama or teach a lesson.

2. A tired writing staff, evident where the plots become obvious and the ideas not so great.

3. Over-reliance on formerly minor characters. I'm thinking mostly of Klinger here, as he was great in small doses, but more likely to be used in an over-the-top fashion when he became a main character. Oddly, I think they could have done more with Father Mulcahey in this regard, but kept his story lines pretty limited.

I'm Tube Boob... later!

So just when you thought that "Seacrest... out!" was perhaps the stupidest sign-off line in TV, leave it to its summer cousin to do it one better.

As I was waiting to turn the TV over so I could tape Lost, I caught the last minute or so of So You Think You Can Dance? (taping for the wife to watch in my absence). As the show ended, its host signed off with "I'm Lauren Sanchez... see ya!"

Wow. I wonder if she wrote that all by herself. Probably.

More S, Less E?

There's talk that Mark Shapiro, the programming head of ESPN, may be leaving to take a job with Dan Snyder and the Washington Redskins. Shapiro is the driving force behind the focus on the 'E' in ESPN: entertainment. Those movies and series you've seen (or not, given some of the ratings), and the increase in talking-head shows. You can thank or blame Shapiro as you wish.

While the move towards original programming did give us the sublime Pardon the Interruption, it also gave us such fare as Cold Pizza, Around the Horn (which could almost be watchable if they sent Woody Paige off Fox with Max Kellerman), and the Steven A. Smith shoutfest Quite Frankly. And let us not forget Playmakers and Tilt, two original series that didn't get past season one (thanks to quality issues and, in the case of the former, bowing to pressure from the NFL, who didn't like the way pro football players were being portrayed).

As has been noted elsewhere, Shapiro's leadership has charted ESPN on the same course that MTV took a while back, where the network becomes more about a brand and a culture than about what it's supposed to be showing if you take the network name at face value.

Given that I actually like to watch sports, Shapiro's departure would be a good thing. This assumes that the new programming head would actually steer the network back towards coverage of sporting events. One can hope.

TV You Have to Develop a Taste For

The new FX show Starved will not be for everyone. Heck, I don't even know if it's for me.

I caught the second episode, and while this means I've missed out on the first episode's character building and exposition, it wasn't too hard to figure things out. There seem to be four people with eating disorders whose lives we get to follow both in and out of treatment sessions.

The second episode focuses mostly on the main character's relationship with his colonic irrigation therapist, with unfortunate (though visually entertaining in a frat boy-joke kind of way) results. We also got to see his friends deal with a domination fantasy, continued bulimia, and a combo of anorexia survival, family issues, and alcohol.

We're not exactly dealing with escapist fantasy here. But if you think you find entertainment in the dark humor coming from some very screwed up lives, Starved may work for you.

Off Air

It's been a pretty fallow period for TV watching, as many of the shows I started the summer with are done, and I've not been able to catch up with new shows, almost all of them on FX. I have several episodes of Over There on tape and need to watch them, while I missed the premiere of Starved and wonder if I'l try to squeeze it in. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia looks mildly interesting, but if I can't bother for Starved I don't think I'll be keeping up with the show that follows it.

I was a little mystified by last week's House, given the sudden appearance of Chi McBride's character and the talk between House and Cameron about feelings. I understand that you have to skip episodes over the summer given the shorter time span (which makes me wonder what I'll miss on Lost), but this seems a little abrupt.

That's all for now, or at least until I get a little me time with the VCR.

Around the Dial: the Discovery launch

To be fair, I didn't go that far around the dial for this morning's Shuttle launch. I watched most of it on two networks.

I started on CNN, and really wish I hadn't. Miles O'Brien is apparently incapable of shutting up. He managed to for about a minute before and during launch, otherwise his pointless blandishments filled the airwaves. Had I been giving the TV full attention I'd likely have turned the channel quicker.

When I did turn it was to ABC, who had a fantastic simulator that gave all sorts of information about the launch: speed, altitude, distance down range, and a bunch of fligh-specific data that I don't think I could fully appreciate (though if you're a fan of yaw, this was for you). The data was accompanied by a virtual Shuttle, depicting what we'd be seeing if we could keep a camera on the Shuttle during the entire launch.

Charles Gibson was covering the launch, and he was OK. He at least knew when to let other people talk and when to let in some silence.

I saw scant amounts of coverage for NBC and CBS. Both seemed to enjoy the benefits of the new camera added to the external tank, as for most of the time I was on their networks a shot of the separated tank with the Earth in the background dominated the visuals. It was pretty cool.

So a check-plus for ABC and even less reason to tune in to CNN for breaking events.

It's New to Me: Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares Revisited

While Gordon Ramsay is a pretty polarizing TV personality, as many are learning through Hell's Kitchen, I got my first taste of his forceful personality on Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (shown here on BBC America), where he would spend a week at a failing restaurant trying to help turn it around. There were only four episodes, but they were pretty entertaining. Ramsay did his share of yelling and cursing, and generally got positive results, in some cases lasting to his revisiting the restaurant one month later.

In this new show, Ramsay goes back to the original four restaurants about a year later to see if the changes took for the long term. This sounds like a set-up that would best serve original viewers, but if you've never watched the originals don't sweat it. The first 50 minutes of each episode recap the original episode. Only the last 10 minutes actually "revisit" the restaurant. I'd have liked at least half the episode to be about the revisiting.

So if you've never seen the show, go ahead and watch. If you saw the originals, only tune in at the start if you forget what happened. Otherwise, tune in around 45 minutes in and you'll be fine.

New on TV: So You Think You Can Dance

There's a pretty simple way to explain this show:

(American Idol-singing)+dancing=So You Think You Can Dance.

That's all you really need to know. The mechanics of the show are the same: tryouts across the country bring together people with talent and people without talent. The former get a chance to go to "Hollywood," the latter are mocked. Those making it to "Hollywood" (usually played by some other part of greater Los Angeles) will be winnowed down to a group of finalists, who will compete weekly until a winner is named (though apparently by a group of choreographers rather than YOU, the public).

There are other substitutions as well, as we keep our acerbic Brit (Nigel Lythgoe rather than Simon Cowell), vapid host (Lauren Sanchez in for Ryan Seacrest), and person who has some idea about the business (Carrie Ann Inaba - last seen as a judge on Dancing With the Stars and apparently not metioned at all on this show's web pages - subbing for Randy Jackson).

We do not sub for Paula Abdul, as she'll be popping up here to teach regular schlubs something about dance. Or giving out her phone number, I'm not sure which.

As you might imagine, a show that borrows so much is likely going to be a copy of the original at best. And when the original is already on the light side, the copy is that much more obvious. The show will benefit from a built-in audience of American Idol viewers and a dearth of competition, though the lack of voting may cause folks with lower interest levels in dancing to wander away until the tone deaf start appearing on our screens in January. I don't see it attracting non-dancing fans the way Dancing With the Stars did.

Which, being said, means I'll be reading or something as this plays out across our TV screen.

Ending with a whimper

On the plus side, tonight marked the end of the rather dull ABC unscripted show The Scholar, where the dramatic granting of a full ride scholarship was undermined by (a) an unbelievably slow final episode, full of sound and scholarship committee "fury" that signified nothing as the vast majority of the competitors wound up going to the college of their choice, and (b) the drawn-out nature of the episode, unusual given how much they chopped up the students' final Q&A session with the committee.

I would not look for a second installment.

On the minus side, Hell's Kitchen rewarded typical unscripted show behavior by seeing three competitors plot against a fourth, and succeeded in getting that fourth removed from the show. It was a little frustrating; Ramsay clearly knew that Elsie (the removed contestant) was hung out to dry, Elsie wouldn't confirm that, so off she went. I now do not care for any of the remaining contestants, and only find solace in the high failure rate of new restaurants. Odds are the winner will be back toiling in someone else's kitchen by New Year's Eve 2006.

Ass. Assassassassassass. Ass!

Aspercream, a product I can't claim to have thought about much over my lifetime, found its way into my head a few months ago with a "You bet your sweet Aspercreme" jingle that had me and the wife singing it well after seeing the ads using it (generally during Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy!).

Of course, someone had to go and ruin it. We saw an ad today using the jingle "You bet that it's Aspercreme." Boo.

New on TV: Great Outdoors Games

ESPN is running the sixth installment of this event, which combines timber sports with dog competitions and with things you'd even see in the Olympics (shooting and archery). This year they've even added ATV racing, which I can't say interests me. But I'm sure there are ATV enthusiasts who don't share my love for big air dogs.

The host site this year is Disney's Wide World of Sports in Orlando, which is proving difficult in two respects:

1. Crowds appear to be sparse more often than packed, especially in comparison to turn-out in more obvious locations (like Lake Placid).
2. The recent run of bad weather caused the wash-out of the shooting events. They were using a site about 30 miles south of Orlando which apparently got quite a bit of water (as evidenced by a reported standing in waders in the middle of the rifle range). Can't say you'd really expect that sort of weather this early in the year, but it's another argument for heading away from the Gulf coast.

The latter point is also personally difficult, as I like the shooting events. The archery still seems to be on, so there's that at least.

But I really tune in for the dogs. The last couple of nights brought small and large dog agility (mostly Jack Russell terriers and border collies running a course of jumps, tires, and other obstacles), but I'm more of a fan of the retriever-dominated events: big air (basically a dog long jump) and field trials. There's a new event this year that's big air with a height component. Not sure how I feel about this, but more dogs can't be bad.

Clearly, this is a "your mileage may vary" sort of veiwing opportunity. But the coverage is reasonable (not overhyped, which is something for ESPN) and they usually only cover 2 or 3 events a night, so it's easier to follow and, if nothing's to your liking, skip without fear of missing what you want to see.

Unless it was skeet shooting.

Emmy Nominations

You would think, this being a TV blog and all, that I'd be over the moon about the Emmy Award nominations, which were released today.

Well, I'm not.

I actually don't care all that much about the Emmy Awards. Four reasons come to mind:

1. I've generally only seen a small percentage of the nominated material. This isn't all that different from, say, the Oscars, but it seems to make a difference in this case

2. I don't root for actors. Really, I'd be happy if Hugh Laurie won for his work on House, but I don't have any personal investment in a possible win for him.

3. The repetitive nature of nominations, especially in the past when it seemed that the likes of Candace Bergen, Helen Hunt, and David Hyde Pierce would win every year. It probably wasn't that bad, but it only exacerbated my disinterest.

4. The awards show is on in the summer, when I'm less likely to watch.

Going back to point three for a second, the Emmy folks may be trying to balance repetitive nominations by adopting newcomers with buzz. Witness, for example, the 15 nominations for Desperate Housewives. Clearly, this was abetted by the show's consideration as a comedy, as there's not a whole lot of stand-out material in the sitcoms that usually populate the comedy awards. I'm not sure I agree that the show is a comedy; it has comedic elements, but I tend to think of the story lines as dramatic in nature.

Random observations:

* UPN got three nominations, all technical, and all for the same show: Enterprise. Whoops. No nod for America's Next Top Model in the reality category, and (not unexpectedly) no love for Veronica Mars.

* The only network show nominated in the reality category was Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, which I find about as interesting as (with apologies) paint drying. Shows that did get nods here include Queer Eye, Antiques Roadshow and Penn & Teller: Bullshit!. This is easily the strangest group of nomninees. Oh, OK, there is a separate "reality-competition" category with all the expected nominees (The Apprentice, American Idol, Survivor, The Amazing Race, and, surprisingly, Project Runway).

* Sticking with American Idol, I kind of want to gag that the finale got a directing nomination, given how the show is generally kind of a mess.

* While I'm OK with shows getting more than one nomination in a category, there should be a limit. Take best guest actor in a comedy, for example. Four of the five nominees are from appearances on Will & Grace. While you can make the argument that they're all deserving, to my mind it rewards stunt casting.

* This was not the year for The West Wing, as the only acting nods went to Alan Alda and Stockard Channing. It only got five nominations total (though one is for best drama, which helps). In a related note, Kathryn Joosten, who played Mrs. Landingham on the show, got an Emmy nod for her guest role as Mrs. McClusky on Desperate Housewives.

* Oh, yeah, neither Nicolette Sheridan or Eva Longoria got acting nods. Huh.

* Scrubs got a best comedy nod, which I'm sure NBC will be happy to tout... when the show returns in January.

* I feel less dirty now that Cold Case Files has a nomination for outstanding non-fiction series.

There's probably more later. But maybe not.

It's New to Me: Lost

I'm not sure why I didn't watch Lost during the season. Time slot, other commitment, disinterst in Gilligan's Island meets Lord of the Flies, who knows? But after the buzz built and I heard from more than a couple people about the show's quality, I figured I'd use the summer to see if I should believe the hype.

Turns out I should believe a goodly portion of the hype. What makes it difficult at times, though, is that the things that make it most interesting can also work against the show in a significant way.

The first few episodes have been split between the present, where we see the survivors of the plane crash cope with their new situation, and flashback, where we've gotten backstory on both the crash and selected survivors. The focus has generally been on a character a week, which makes you look forward to who'll be next, but also can slow an episode down. Take the most recent one I watched, where we got the skinny on the island's Korean couple, Jin and Sun. After weeks of only getting subtitles, it was great to learn about them, but the story wound up taking time away from an important decision that seems to have split the survivors. While that will undoubtedly be examined in detail later, I'd have liked to have had more up front discussion than "beach or cave?"

I am also glad that the air of mystery about the island is being maintained at a reasonable level after healthy doses early in the show (having a polar bear crop up on a tropical Pacific island was genius). I'll be interested to see how this goes for the rest of the season, as too much of this mythology sort of stuff can get tiresome (hello, X-Files).

Talk about the show suggests a bit of a drop-off in the latter part of the season, with a season finale that, of course, doesn't answer nearly as many questions as we'd like. It doesn't help that I've been exposed to some of what happens at the end via recaps and accidental reading. On the other hand, I at least get to look for it now, which I guess is something.

If you haven't been watching, well, catching up would be difficult. There's too much carry-over from week to week. Find a friend who's been watching or read the recaps over at TV Without Pity. It's not a perfect solution, but it'll get you up to speed.

The acting is pretty good across the board, though I especially like Terry O'Quinn's soft-shoe Colonel Kurtz (come to think of it, 'Colonel' was a nickname Quinn's character had).

For the nitpickers, you'll probably find things to grouse about. The feasability of having all these actors grow the sort of body hair (and BO) actual castaways would have is pretty low (not without serious compensation, at least), and you have to wonder how these people have survived for a week on leftover airline food and bottled water (OK, there was one boar, and there's some fishing going on, but it seems like they're getting off easy). Don't sweat it. I'm sure there's a website you can complain about these things on.

Just not this one. Well, you could comment, but expect to get mocked.

New on TV: The 2005 Tour de France

While most people follow this at arm's length, do yourself a favor and watch the actual race coverage on OLN. You'll get cycling and some nice shots of the French countryside to boot.

Live daily coverage starts at 8:30 am EDT (except on off days), and is repeated during the day. The race is called by a pair of Brits who are also former riders: Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen. They know the sport very well (certainly better than the average sports guy), and they're pretty good about explaining things as the stage moves along.

Prime time coverage starts at 8 pm EDT (9 pm PDT), but with Al Trautwig and Bob Roll, an American who is a former pro cyclist. I don't watch much of their coverage, but what I've seen is OK. Roll has a unique style that may not be to everyone's liking, but I get a bit of a chuckle from him.

All four appear on the pre-race show, which kicks off the morning coverage. If you're around, give them 10 minutes rather than Kate or Charlie or whoever.

The coverage isn't as Lance-centric as you'd imagine (though the promotion is), which is a good thing. Not that they ignore Lance when he's not front and center; he gets a number of mentions. But they do focus on a number of riders, both those involved in the day's stage and the ones vying for the overall title. You'll even get into the sprint and "king of the mountain" competitions, which add a little spice to the coverage.

They use French TV for the visuals, which is fine. Occasionally Phil and Paul have to fill when there's a shot of some local landmark, but they handle it well.

New on TV: The Princes of Malibu

Hell no, I didn't watch it. It'd take a paying gig - and a good one - to get me to tune in to this.

So Bruce Jenner's post-Olympic career: Can't Stop the Music, the infomercials, and two layabout sons. Way to peak early.

Hellish 'Heaven'

Had my first exposure to Carrie Underwood's first single, that "Inside Your Heaven" song that both she and Bo performed on the American Idol finale.

It's still horrible. It's not Underwood's fault, unless she wrote or arranged the song. It could very well be the worst "official" American Idol champion single of the four, though I can't recall whatever it was Fantasia recorded.

Bag Job with the Stars

After six weeks where Dancing with the Stars went (to me at least) from being of no interest to reasonably entertaining, the show threw it all away in the last half-hour of its finale when the three judges handed out a perfect score to Kelly Monaco (General Hospital). Not only was this the only perfect score for the entire competition, but it was the first time any of the judges handed out a full 10 points.

Of course, Monaco would go on to win the whole thing, which shouldn't irritate me as much as it does. Suffice it to say, the result does nothing to further the idea that ballroom dancing should be an Olympic-level sport (though, to be fair, the fans don't get to vote on who wins medals).

This turn of events made the finale of Beauty and the Geek - where a Newlywed Game-style Q&A game decided who won the cash - seem like the pinnacle of competition when it went into a tie-breaker. Even the disclaimer at the end about how parts of it were edited and/or re-shot didn't detract from things, at least in retrospect.

Next week we get "the aftermath," a reunion show which I find a little dubious (given that the show itself was only six weeks long). But maybe we'll find out if Urkel-in-training Richard ever made out with his partner.

I have a life?

Precious little from TV to mention, as I spent the vast majority of the weekend doing things other than burning my retinas. I will note, though, that I think I stayed at a hotel with the worst TV system ever. Showtime instead of HBO and MSG instead of ESPN? Why?

I won't even go into the movie ordering process, which involves the TV, a card reader, and the phone. Not that we ordered any; I just thought it was oddly complex.

I did see about a minute and a half of MTV's Live 8 coverage, and while I didn't think it was possible, it does appear that the channel's current crop of hosts has even fewer skills with regards to covering live events than past presenters. They should have just let the concert footage roll without comment.

Coming in a close second in the incompetency department was the female co-host whose name I didn't catch on the CBS coverage of Boston's fireworks. Harry Smith was fine, but she was trying a little too hard to generate excitement. She'd have fit in well with those Wheel of Fortune contestants who yell "woo hoo!" every time they find a letter on the board. The broadcast was also a little odd in their choice of music to play over the fireworks. I know the "whatever" concept is popular, but when you segue from Aerosmith to Selena to Creed something has gone horribly wrong.

On the plus side, no Vanilla Ice

I seem to have been hallucinating during last week's episode of Hit Me Baby 1 More Time. I heard that the winners from past weeks would return, that there'd be a couple of surprises, and we'd wrap this thing in some sort of gala fashion. Instead, we got another regular episode.

Five performers, ten songs, one confused viewing audience. Good job, NBC! I can't imagine why you guys nose-dived this past season.

Anyway, we wound up getting music from Juice Newton, Shannon, Animotion, PM Dawn, and Missing Persons. PM Dawn won (which seemed right), breaking the streak of the last act winning (given that it was Missing Persons, not that big of a surprise). Animotion gets the Stop Hitting Yourself prize for worst performance, as they creaked through their hit "Obsession" and absolutely crapped on Dirty Vegas's "Days Go By."

While I thought the male singer in Animotion looked like the love child of the stylist guy who stars in Bravo's Blow Out and Joe Isuzu, the wife nailed it when she commented that the woman in the group came off like Molly Shannon playing the woman from Animotion. Who knows, maybe it was Molly Shannon?

Given the stress on this being the season finale, we can likely look forward to more of this crap in the near future. Given the barrel-scraping put in for this episode (neither the wife or I could place Shannon until the host mentioned her hit song, "Let the Music Play"), I don't know how far they can take this without bringing in groups who make '80s compilations because no one can find their members to deal with royalties.

Thinking along those lines, though, my dream second season premiere would feature The Scorpions, The Outfield, Aztec Camera, Haircut 100, and Gino Vanelli. Who would be in yours?

A dynamite June

TNT made history this month, becoming the first ad-supported cable network to outdraw two on-air networks. Granted, those networks are UPN and the WB, but pretty amazing nonetheless. Especially when you consider how much of TNT's prime time schedule consists of Law & Order reruns.

Redlined

Looks like one of the 250 or so new unscripted series for this summer may never see air. ABC has pulled Welcome to the Neighborhood based on complaints that the show gave a little too much space to discrimination based on race and sexual orientation.

The premise of the show was that three different families in Austin, Texas would get to choose their new neighbors. The families vying for that honor come from a variety of backgrounds (including a large Hispanic family, two men with an adopted African-American son, and a couple that met at a Wiccan ceremony), which apparently didn't always sit well with the generally white and conservative families making the selection. Later episodes supposedly showed that the families would grow to accept these differences, but the concern was that in the weeks leading up to that, discriminatory content would be out there unrepudiated.

There was also concern from conservative and religious groups that the show would suggest that people who fall into those groups tend towards discrimination. Kudos to ABC for managing to offend everyone!

No word on if they'll rework the show and bring it back later, though I have to think they will. They've advertised it enough to make never showing it a complete waste of time and money.

A blind 'i'?

In a move that will affect dozens of TV viewers, PAX will be changing its name to i starting this Friday. The move is reflective of a new programming strategy that will mix PAX/i originals with other independent and/or syndicated shows. For those who like their PAX straight up, all PAX programming will continue on one of its digital cable channels (wait - PAX has digital cable channels?).

As hard as it might be to believe, this is a positive move for PAX, given that it should bring more original programming into a prime-time schedule that is heavy on reruns of Diagnosis Murder and Early Edition. It also will help scotch rumors that the network was going with an all-pay format, which is just what we would have needed - more infomercials.

Of course, the announcement and name change doesn't impact the core issue with PAX - not enough coverage (it only reaches 84 percent of households) and not enough interesting programming. I'm sure Doc and Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye have their champions, but I've not met one.

Full of character(s)

Just in case you stumbled upon here and don't read my main blog, you should wander on over to Craig Barker's blog where he's running a tournament for the greatest TV character (from 1975 to date).

While I would argue with some of the seedings, it's a fun exercise and a good look into what makes a given character appealing (or not). So go vote!

Binary Star

The Next Food Network Star wrapped up last night, with the winner being a pair of guys from Chicago named Dan and Steve, whose new show, Soup to Nuts, will start airing in September in the network's "In the Kitchen" block.

I can't say I'm thrilled with the result. Their on-air personae is a little forced, with a number of their quips sounding rehearsed. They also seem to still have some issues to work out regarding balancing cooking and entertaining. It would behoove them to watch tapes of Two Fat Ladies, I think.

On the plus side, the other finalist, a woman named Deborah, was much more irritating. I had a hard time cottoning to her high energy persona, which didn't always come off as genuine (she has an acting background/interest which may be at fault here). She also seemed to get by on personality when her cooking wasn't great; consider that at one point she couldn't tell how many minutes pork chops should cook.

The voting was interesting, as the 90 minute finale allowed for voting for about a half hour during the show. I'd almost have rather had another episode with just the finalists and their mini-show pilots, as it was a little rushed to have two eliminations, the pilots, the voting, the results, a contestant reunion and favorite outtakes all in one show.

The results were announced by Emeril Lagasse, who seemed very uncomfortable. He also seemed to tip the results, as he mostly focused on Dan and Steve, paying Deborah very little attention until after the results were given. Very strange.

All in all, I didn't think this was a bad series, though in the end I don't think they came up with a "star." Or even two.

Speaking of Bravo

Am I the only one who misses its old, pretentious line-up? While I was never a huge fan of Five Star Cinema and high doses of Cirque du Soleil, it was at least different. Unlike Bravo's current slate of celebrity poker, NBC re-runs, and second (third?) tier unscripted programming.

I hope James Lipton has a nice, long contract.

New on TV: I Want to be a Hilton

Except for the involvement of the Hilton clan, I Want to be a Hilton would be another unremarkable entry into the morass of unscripted TV programming. Not that the Hiltons save the show. Their name makes the show's presence more notable in the morass, but doesn't save it.

The premise is straight out of Unscripted 101: two teams compete in challenges, with the members of the winning team safe from elimination for the week. The losers meet with the host to hash over their failure and get someone removed. The actual mechanics of the thing - team names, meeting location, method by which someone is removed from the show - could have been whipped up by a handful of interns told to come up with things befitting a show involving high society.

The contestants are, unsurprisingly, a truckload of buffoons. I think we're supposed to revel in their lack of sophistication, though there are precious few moments where it actually leads to entertainment.

Production values are what you'd expect. I suspect the Hilton name was able to lure some known guest judges into the mix, as I can't imagine what would get Tyler Florence or Ted Allen involved otherwise. OK, in Allen's case there is the NBC-Bravo relationship, as reruns of this show air on Bravo. I'm also concerned that they've waited all the way to the second episode to bring in Paris and Nikki. To me, that's an admission that the show is a little weak, and needs the kids to perk things up.

The Bravo re-runs are the only way I'd watch this show regularly, given that it's on opposite House in its first-run time slot. Even so, it'll need a run of very slow weekend mid-afternoons to get me to follow the series.

An ad that I hate

McDonald's has an ad now for some new salad that's in this crappy faux poetry slam style that really chafes. I don't know which line irritates me more, the "oranges of the mandarin persuasion" or "I have achieved salad inner peace" (or something like that; it's so stultifying stupid that I can't remember it after just seeing the ad).

Between this and the animated "fruit buzz" ad, I am clearly not loving McDonald's. Bring back Mayor McCheese.

Tiffany must be pissed

For the third time in four shows, the act that went last on Hit Me Baby 1 More Time was voted through to the finals. To be fair, though Thelma Houston probably was the best of the five last night. Glass Tiger, Club Nouveau and Greg Kihn were all mediocre at best, and Billy Vera turned in a really unfortunate cover of Jesse McCartney's "True" that negated a solid piano-only version of "At This Moment."

Listed as performing but not actually appearing were the Baha Men. Apparently, the dogs just wanted to stay on the couch.

The best part of the show, though, was the wife and I mocking the host's accent. Got to keep entertained somehow.

A top 10 list of sitcom cliches? Isn't that cliched?

The folks over at MSN wrote up the ten most-tired sitcom cliches. They are:

Character meets someone who looks just like them. Not sure how much of a cliche this is, given that after their most recent example, Friends, the shows they note for this "cliche" are The Addams Family and Bewitched. The Friends example is only half accurate, as having Lisa Kudrow play identical twins is different than Ross having a doppleganger named Russ.

It's a stupid plot move - skewered pretty well on Seinfeld with the Bizzaro Jerry and friends - but perhaps not common enough to be a cliche.

Misunderstandings based on hearing part of a sentence. The whole wacky hijinx from eavesdropping idea is pretty lame. Good call.

Butlers who talk back I'm not sure butlers are common enough to warrant cliche status. One of the shows given as an example is Benson, which I'd disagree with given that Benson isn't exactly a butler on that show (he was on Soap, a show where a butler that talks back would be one of the least unusual characters).

Given that Seinfeld managed to skewer this idea, perhaps it's widely enough known to be a cliche. But I'm skeptical.

One character, two dates. Yeah, not good.

Add a baby or other child. I'd agree here as well, but have to note that one of the examples - Roseanne - is inaccurate. I don't think the change in who played Becky was a ratings grab as much as a contract issue. Also, how do you not reference cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch here?

Baby birthing in unusual places. Again, probably not a cliche (especially when one of the shows listed as an example, 7th Heaven, isn't a sitcom), but it is hokey.

Stuck in a clip show. Characters are stuck somewhere, turns into a clip show. Clip shows in general are bad, not just the ones using the captivity of the characters as the device for the clips.

Fake illness to meet celebrity. OK, the two examples given are Diff'rent Strokes and The Brady Bunch. Is it a cliche when the examples are more than 20 years old?

Characters you don't see. Personally, I don't mind this one. The Wilson thing was a little tired on Home Improvement, but there are a number of characters we never saw - Carlton on Rhoda, Maris on Frasier, and Vera on Cheers, for example - whose appeal certainly wasn't hurt by not appearing on camera. As a recurring device, I have no problems with this.

Cross dressing. A bad idea generally.

An OK list, but hurt by poor examples and some weak entries. Suggestions to strengthen cliches or include new ones are welcome.

Thankfully, they've not asked if anyone considered Dave Chapelle

One of the small things that's annoyed me about The Next Food Network Star: the use of the term "giving notes" when the judging committee critiques the contestants. I realize it's the correct term, especially as two of the committee members are programming execs, but it's a term guaranteed to irritate anyone who liked a show that was eviscerated by suits.

I keep hoping that Sam Donovan will appear and give everyone a lesson on TV tubes. Probably too much to ask.

Stop hitting us already!

It was not a pleasant night on Hit Me Baby 1 More Time. Perhaps not as bad as the first week, but not as good as last week. There are a number of reasons:

1. Another stupid result - Irene Cara won despite having her new group, Hot Caramel, sing with her. Meaning that two thirds of the cover song (something by Anastacia) was performed by younger singers with more range.

2. Obvious vocal tracking, or at least moreso than past weeks. It was also more obvious that there were musicians out there who were playing instruments that weren't being heard.

3. No Night Ranger - the program listing promised Night Ranger. We got Howard Jones instead. He was actually pretty good, but clearly wasn't going to perform "Sister Christian."

4. Odd crossover covers. Cameo doing Bowling for Soup's "1985." Wang Chung doing Nelly's "Hot in Herre." Sophie B. Hawkins doing some sort of lounge/cabaret version of Five for Fighting's "100 Years."

4a. Sophie B. Hawkins. She's goofing on moonbeams or something. Very odd.

But will I watch next week. Yes. Why? Because I'm an idiot.

Get paid for being shallow or socially inept!

As I learned at the end of last night's episode of Beauty and the Geek, they're casting a second season. Go to the WB website if you think you have the right stuff (or the lack thereof).

The episode itself was similar to last week. Geek love may be blooming again, though the hype likely overestimated the level of attraction. We are also getting an intra-geek conflict, as Richard (the white Urkel) is now gunning for the geek who sent him to the Elimination Room. On the other hand, Richard did get a kiss on the lips from the eliminated beauty (his first!), so perhaps he should be thankful.

New(ish) on TV: Dancing With the Stars

It sounds like something that aired in the heyday of the DuMont Network, but it's one of (if not the) biggest unscripted hits of the summer. So what's the deal with ABC's Dancing With the Stars? The wife is hooked, so I took the opportunity last night to watch as well.

The premise is pretty simple: six "stars" (we'll get to that) are paired with six professional ballroom dancers. The "star" and their partner work each week to prepare a dance in a given style (last night they had the choice between jive and tango). They are then judged by a three-person panel and scored on a 1 to 10 point basis. At the end of the show, the viewing audience gets to phone in votes for their favorites. The couple with the lowest combined ranking between the judges and the fan vote gets eliminated.

There is an unusual wrinkle with the voting, though. The scores are this week's judges scores and last week's fan voting. I'm not sure how much I like this. I suppose it evens things out, as one bad week won't necessarily eliminate a couple. It also saves us a pointless results show, which may be the element that brings me over to liking this voting method.

Anyway, the "stars" recruited for the show: boxer Evander Holyfield, (super?)model Rachel Hunter, Joey McIntyre (of NKOTB fame), Kelly Monaco (of General Hospital), John O'Hurley (Peterman on Seinfeld) and Trista Sutter (of several other ABC unscripted shows). O'Hurley and McIntyre seem like the favorites, based on the judges comments and the wife's observations.

The judges are OK. It's the required three-person panel, though all three judges (two men and one woman, of course) are willing enough to compliment or critique that the Randy-Paula-Simon paradigm isn't achieved. That's a good thing.

For me, the biggest drawback to the show is that it's ballroom dancing. It doesn't interest me very much. There are clearly enough people who feel otherwise to keep this show going. To its credit, I did not feel like I was actively losing brain cells by watching, which is not a feeling associated with many unscripted programs.

Even for something I don't care for, I find it more interesting than The Scholar, and more interesting than any of the three upcoming unscripted shows advertised during it (Welcome to the Neighborhood, Hooking Up, and Brat Camp). Well, OK, Brat Camp has the attraction of punk kids getting their comeuppance.

If you like dancing, it's probably a solid tune-in. It's OK as programming you get pulled into by someone else.

A sometimes spirited evening of TV

The second episode of The Scholar had the kids competing to rev up school spirit for a USC volleyball game. Which, it being southern California, wouldn't seem like too hard of a draw, but from the footage shown volleyball is a tough sell wherever you are.

Part of the task was to get USC students to show up with a pennant of a given color, One team numbered their pennants and offered a lottery where the winner got a $100 bookstore card - not bad, but I think $200 would have been more enticing while allowing the team to buy the other stuff they needed. The other team, which won the task, did so by handing out the pennants to people as they entered the game. Which is less like generating spirit as hijacking already-developed spirit, but such details aren't important, apparently.

Both groups also did some sort of halftime cheer/spirit-building exercise. I thought the losing team did a better job, but the USC cheering coach didn't. Thankfully, she seemed more swayed by crowd reaction than the winning team's lame dance.

The second episode wasn't all that much different - or better - than the first. We did learn that the sole white admissions rep doesn't seem to care for the lone African-American male contestant, and that the admissions board is perhaps overly impressed by folks who know that the brain is part of the nervous system.

Seriously, if these folks are involved in admitting students to Ivy League institutions, then the whole legacy thing make a lot more sense.

There was much more spirit on Hell's Kitchen - perhaps too much - and pretty much all of it negative and expressed in yelling form. Gordon Ramsay's boot camp approach to teaching cooking finally got someone to actually quit - Jeff, who wasn't particularly well-liked by his team and who may or may not have been playing a kidney stone for sympathy (FWIW, having had one I can attest that it hurts, but I think that if he was in the sort of agony displayed on TV he should have gotten more serious medical attention, or at least something for the pain). Jeff is also the one who mouthed off to Ramsay, which made me kind of sad - I really wanted to see Andrew get eviscerated on national TV.

But his day may still be coming - Ramsay called him out as well and basically said that Andrew has no standing with him. Part of this isn't Andrew's fault, but his personality makes it easy to load up on him.

The third night of service again ended with a premature shutdown. Next week they promise something that's never happened before in Hell's Kitchen. I assume it's someone getting served dessert.

Maybe if he apologizes really nicely...

While I didn't care for Vanilla Ice's cover of "Survivor" on Hit Me Baby 1 More Time, I never expected, scant days later, to have Destiny's Child announce they're splitting up. I clearly underestimated the cover's insidious power.

Considering they're all from Houston, perhaps Ice can swing by Beyonce's house with a cake. It's a first step.

No advertising boner, this

OLN's Cyclism Sunday coverage has, like most sporting events, a critical event or time in the race which is highlighted at the end as a "play of the game," so to speak. It's name?

The Cialis Ultimate Moment.

Which, like most ED drug advertising, is suggestive without being interesting. Like that woman who keeps talking about Levitra. If it's so damn good, why does she have time to keep telling us about it?

Basically Cable

Tonight was the only night of the weekend where we watched any TV of note, and it was all on cable. Take that, networks!

Started out by flipping between Gladiator on TNT and cycling coverage on OLN. The Tour de France is about three weeks away, but OLN has been covering cycling leading up to it on Cyclism Sunday, where the follow races like the Giro d'Italia (Tour of Italy) and some of the shorter races in France. The Sunday package is pretty good - even the recap of a smaller race is better than the CBS recap of a week of the Tour de France - but I'd like to see OLN cover some of the larger races like the Giro and the Vuelta Espana (Tour of Spain) in the same day-to-day fashion. It wouldn't have to be live; an hour recap show would be great.

The only problem is that OLN's cycling coverage is pretty Lance-centered, and he uses the other races (if he even rides them) to prepare for France. Still, with the number of strong US cyclists out there now, OLN could build more of a following for cycling (and their coverage) without much more work.

Anyway, we later watched the latest episode of The Next Food Network Star, which was reasonably entertaining. They try a little too hard to create drama (this week over a contestant who had a little knife accident), but as I noted before the general lack of fake tension-building is refreshing. My only problem now is that I'm not crazy about any of the contestants. It's a short-run series (the finale is June 26), and I don't think that'll be enough time for anyone to really come out as a favorite for me.

Next was Bridezillas on WE, which is about what you'd expect - a series that follows difficult brides on their way to the altar. It's like a million other cable shows that's built around ordinary people, not particularly memorable but not particularly horrible, either. I am looking forward to the follow-up series Divorcezillas, where the husbands finally cut loose from the immature shrews they married.

Finally, some Family Guy on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. Thankfully, no American Dad. It took me a little while to warm up to Family Guy, and that process isn't happening for the new show.

New on TV: The Next Food Network Star

Put in SAT terms (or Miller's terms, as I don't think they have analogies on the SAT any more, do they?):

Hell's Kitchen is to Lord of the Flies as The Next Food Network Star is to Some book where people do things without a lot of cussing or pushing of plates into chests.

Of course, the aims of the two shows are different. Where Gordon Ramsay is taking his usual boot camp approach to find someone worthy of getting a restaurant, Food Network is trying to develop a new talent who has never been on TV before. And given that the TV angle is kind of important to having a Food Network show, a little more patience and guidance is required.

The basic premise is that Food TV picked eight finalists (actually, I think they picked seven and Internet voting picked the eighth) who compete in various challenges related to being a TV chef. There's no winning the challenges, other than impressing the host Mark Summers, any guest chefs who happen to be around (Bobby Flay tonight, Mario Batali in the next episode), and the three-person selection committee that decides who gets cut at the end of the episode (made up of a couple of Food TV execs and Gordon Elliott).

We missed most of the episode where the finalists were introduced, but did catch the second one, which focused on TV chef skills (cooking while reading from the prompter, swapping pans to show finished dishes, etc.). They also did a thing where each contestant had something go wrong while icing a cake, just to see how they reacted to the unexpected.

Unlike most unscripted shows, where such things would be handled with high (edited-in) drama and vituperous contestants, the proceedings here were more civil. It's a refreshing change to see an unscripted show that, on some level, actually cares about the process and people involved in finding a winner.

If you tune into unscripted programming for the backstabbing and such, The Real Gilligan's Island is probably more for you. Foodies, I think, will get a bit of a kick out this show, though.

This explains the Governator

Tonight's line-up on Hit Me Baby 1 More Time:

The Knack ("My Sharona," covered "Do You Wanna Be My Girl" by Jet)
Haddaway ("What Is Love," covered "Toxic" by Britney Spears)
Tommy Tutone ("867-5309," covered "All the Small Things" by blink-182)
The Motels ("Only the Lonely," covered "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones)
Vanilla Ice ("Ice Ice Baby," covered "Survivor" by Destiny's Child)

The Knack sounded really good, and to our minds was the best of the five. Haddaway proved that he could sing dance tunes, and even did a little Boutabi head nod at the start of his song. Tommy Tutone could have gone the way of A Flock of Seagulls, but held it together and may have done better on the cover than on their original song. The Motels did an interesting rockish cover version of the Norah Jones song. Vanilla Ice is now a combination of Kevin Federline and Fred Durst, and didn't so much cover "Survivor" as us it to deliver some autobiographical material.

Care to guess who won?

A large part of the problem, to my way of thinking, is that the audience probably only remembers Vanilla Ice and Haddaway (at least if the people they showed were a representative sampling). And when told to vote for a favorite, who are they going to go for - an act they remember or one that is musically better but something their parents listened to?

The fraughtness level on this whole exercise just got bumped up a couple of notches.

Ashton Kutcher + "social experiment" = Egads

Yahoo! had a link yesterday that actually used the phrase "social experiment" to tout Beauty and the Geek. I'm not sure which is worse, the Ubermensch vibe to such a statement or that something so full of fluff counts as an experiment. It would, however, explain how the whole Vioxx situation happened.

Anyway, second episode on last night. Women had to do car stuff (check oil, change tire, etc.), guys had to learn massage. Both groups did reasonably well at their assignments, and once again the same pair won both contests. The two couples they sent to the Elimination Room had the beauty and the geek who hooked up on them, meaning that one part of the pair was going home.

This elicited some strange dialog from the woman, as she made it sound like she was never going to see the guy again. Which makes me think that:

a. Once out of the house, she'll go back to dating hot guys, even though they've not treated her well in the past, or

b. Once her boy toy is out of the house, she's going to look for more geek lovin', or

c. She doesn't know of the telephones of which we speak, where one person can contact another even though they're not in the same room, or

d. She didn't read the rule and thinks that the losing couple is banished or executed or something.

In any case, she'll have plenty of time to ponder this as it was her couple that lost the elimination round. Part of the problem was that her geek didn't know what a loofah is, making this the second-most famous case of sponge illiteracy (paragraph 78).

And at the end, we had the losing beauty and geek talk about how people in the other group aren't just beauties or geeks, that there's more to them as people. Which, for the self-absorbed or socially demented is the sort of epiphany that comes a good decade too late.