Hella OK

Last night's theme on Ameican Idol was songs by No Doubt or Gwen Stefani... or songs by artists that inspired Gwen Stefani. Which is how we had just as many songs by The Police as by Gwen and her (former?) band.

In any case, no one really wowed. Those who are usually good continued, while those who are usually not so good managed to carry over some of last week's improvement for the most part. Phil, Gina, and even Haley sounded better than their usual, which Chris Sligh sounded like ass.

Speaking of sounding like ass, Sanjaya looked to hide his vocal deficiencies behind a ponytail-created fauxhawk. It was gloriously awful. It will probably save him this week, even though he continues to be the contestant most worthy of being sent home.

Instead, I'm going with Chris R., whose nasal quality continues to bore me.

The Boobie Invasion

Last night's American Idol featured songs from the British Invasion, though I'm not sure if Bond songs or songs from Oliver! really count. It also featured a copious supply of boobies, most notably from Haley, whose chestal area seemed to be dancing to its own tune during her performance. Her top was also backless, and she was wearing very short shorts. Clearly, she knows what's going to keep her on the show. A month from now she'll be out there doing the fan dance.

Not sure if it was the surprising usefulness of Peter Noone and Lulu or just the general quality of songs not written in this age of Pro Tools, but there were very few bad performances. Notable in that context was Stephanie, whose performance I can barely remember, and Sanjaya (of course), who I would like to forget after his laughable version of "You Really Got Me." As bad as it was, it was probably his least annoying performance to date.

The best part of the episode, though, was the pre-teen girl who was blubbering from Sanjaya's performance on. She's occasionally lapse into bawling. She's going to be seeing these clips for the rest of her life. It's going to suck when she turns 100 and an animatronic Willard Scott congratulates her by showing her the footage. On the plus side, she may not remember.

Anyway, while Sanjaya should go - nothing new there - I'm thinking it'll more likely be Stephanie, who is clearly finishing last in the diva battle. Phil is a possibility, though this was easily his best week to date.

A Hairy Performance

What's worse than Sanjaya Malakar singing? Sanjaya Malakar singing while sporting Justin Guarini's hairdo. Still, as bad as the hair was, the singing was still the worst part of his performance.

And for all that, you know he's not getting voted off. My pick is Chris Richardson, the dollar store version of Justin Timberlake. Boring and nasal, not a good combination.

OK, America, this is easy

As confusing as it is for picking the top six guys on American Idol - as unfortunate as it is that Sanjaya and Sundance are likely going to make it through, it's not like the other guys have done much to distance themselves - it is very easy to pick the six women. You've got five - Melinda, LaKisha, Jordin, Sabrina, and Stephanie - who are clearly above the other three.

So that leaves one spot. For that you have Antonella, Haley, and Gina. Antonella's deficiencies as a singer have been well documented. Haley is the female version of Nick Pedro - assuming you can remember him (or her). Gina, while not possessing the greatest range, at least tries to sing songs that give a sense of who she is. When choosing between a human and two automatons (one of Antonella or Haley actually said singing was like clocking in and out of a job, it's hard to tell which one as I actually think they're two sides of the same person, like some freaky Face/Off variant), pick the human.

That being said, I have a bad feeling that we're going to be stuck with Antonella in the finals. My picks for the boot are Haley and... Stephanie. I know, I said she was better, but I don't think she stands out enough in that top group, while each of the three in the bottom group have a niche.

Sadly Familiar

The last guys semifinal proved to be much like the first on American Idol, as none of the 8 remaining men did much to improve their standing. About the only person who stood out was Blake, who mixed his beatbox thing in with a song by 311.

Now, if this were actually a singing contest, I'd not be here hoping for Sanjaya and Sundance's ouster. They'd already be gone (and in Sundance's case, he'd never have made it out of Hollywood week). But as it's a musical popularity contest, I fear that we may be stuck with both of them in the finals (and on the tour - enjoy!). But I'm going to look at this as a glass half full, and say that Sundance will get sent packing after his rendition of Pearl Jam's "Jeremy". As for the other spot... it could be almost anyone. I'm going to go with Brandon Rogers, who hasn't quite figured out the transition from backup to lead singer. But it could be just about anyone; the only surprises for me would be if Blake of Chris Sligh go home.

Frustrating

Just read that ABC is going to yank The Knights of Prosperity for a few weeks, and will replace it with a second helping of According to Jim.

While I've not been as floored by Knights as some people, I've enjoyed its rather unusual take on planning a robbery. I've certainly enjoyed it more than any amount of Jim I've seen.

It almost makes me wish that the sitcom actually would die.

I'm also a little bothered that this may represent renewed confidence in Jim. It's on my LaPlaca list, and would become the first show to thwart me twice if someone at ABC decides not to give the heave-ho. It'd be just my luck.

A Fitting Nickname

Vincent Pastore, who played "Big Pussy" on The Sopranos, has bailed on Dancing With the Stars after just one week of training. Turns out the physical demands were too much.

(OK, Pastore is 60, so there's that. Like I could do much better.)

Anyway, John Ratzenberger is stepping in to take his place. One can only hope that he shows two inches of white socks during his inaugural performance.