Upfronts: ABC

How do you spell ABC? M-E-H. That describes the network's overall ratings (stuck in third with NBC closing) and the general offerings, which tend not to fail miserably but also don't wow.  And with one or two exceptions, we're getting more of the same for 2013-14.

Who Stays? Who Goes? There's nothing tremendously surprising for ABC in the shows they brought back and those they cut loose. Based on premise alone I'd slated The Neighbors for cancellation, but the aliens next door sitcom found a place in and among ABC's other (higher-rated) shows and is coming back. Two of last year's borderline renewals - Body of Proof and Happy Endings - met the axe this time around. Otherwise, the shows you expect to be back are back and those that aren't aren't.

What's Coming?

Monday - Dancing with the Stars expands to two hours, and will apparently combine performance and results. Curious to see how that works out, as it could be a guide for other mature reality shows whose sagging ratings may have something to do with padded episodes covering multiple nights. It's followed by Castle. And while it's not listed, you have to expect at some point during the season The Bachelor will show up in here.

Tuesday - all new, and led by what might be ABC's most notable new show, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.  It's Marvel's first TV show, and set in the same universe as its movies (Avengers, Iron Man, etc.), expect some synergy (if not actual appearances by the movies' stars). It's about an elite organization whose members battle the most dangerous criminals. Joss Whedon is involved, which just doubles the amount of fanboy hysterics.

Not sure if this is scheduled too early. It's a good time to draw in the younger eyes, but may not be able to be adult enough for those fans.

Then comes two sitcoms, The Goldbergs and Trophy Wife. The former is set in the 1980s and is about the titular family and their wacky antics, as seen through the eyes of 11-year old Adam and his video camera. As far as I can tell it's not related to the radio-turned-TV show of the same name, and the premise makes me miss Everybody Hates Chris. Trophy Wife is about a woman who meets a guy at a karaoke bar and winds up married to him a year later. She then has to figure out how to be a stepmom while under the watchful eye of two ex-wives. There are some notable names in the cast (Bradley Whitford, Marcia Gay Harden), but the set-up doesn't do much for me.

The night ends with Lucky 7, a drama about a group of gas station employees who play the lottery together, their lives, and how their lives would change if they ever win. They'd better win by October sweeps, otherwise I don't know what keeps this show going.

Wednesday - The Middle and Modern Family are at 8 and 9. In the first half hour we get Back in the Game, where a single mom and her son moves in with her dad (James Caan!). Both dad and daughter are former athletes who never reached their potential, and the son is basically inept at sports. Caan's character winds up coaching his Little League team, so there won't be any vicarious living through the kid, nosiree.

The other half hour is Super Fun Night, where a trio of party girls have a standing night out (the Super Fun Night of the title) disrupted when one of them gets a promotion and a new boyfriend, who can get them into an even more hip/exclusive/expensive bar. So is every episode some sort of two dates/one night scenario, where the one woman bounces between her guy and her friends? I don't quite get it, though I am of an age and gender where I'm not supposed to get it.

The night ends with Nashville.

Thursday - opens with Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, where Lewis Carroll gets the Once Upon a Time treatment. Alice is, like the real Alice, a girl in Victorian England, but in this case she has actually been to Wonderland, and the authorities want to drug her up so she'll forget her hallucinations. But a couple of Wonderland creatures show up and they escape down the rabbit hole and on to new adventures. I suppose if you're into the parent show you might be into this one. Fair warning: John Lithgow will be on hand to chew the scenery - literally and otherwise - as the White Rabbit.

Grey's Anatomy and Scandal close things out.

Friday - It's an all-returning lineup, with Last Man Standing, a relocated The Neighbors, Shark Tank and 20/20.

Saturday - college football in the fall, reruns or other crap in the spring.

Sunday - things are familiar up to 10 pm, with America's Funniest Home Videos, Once Upon a Time, and Revenge. The last show of the night is Betrayal, about a man and woman who enter into an affair only to have the man wind up defending a murder suspect who is being prosecuted by the woman's husband. I think the suspect is also the defense attorney's brother in law, the description is a little confusing. But it seems like it'll fit in here as well as anything else.

Of all the possible midseason shows, the only one that caught my eye was Resurrection, where a young boy suddenly wakes up in rural China, thousands of miles away and 30 years after dying in Arcadia, Missouri. He's returned home by an Immigration agent, and while the expected questions come, the boy also remembers details about his death that only he'd know as the decedent, which makes things extra awkward, I'm sure. I could see this as part of a revamped supernatural Tuesday.

The Verdict?

This seems like a line-up created to keep ABC in third place. They might get a bump if the dramas take off, but the sitcoms are a pretty dull bunch, which is a problem. The network should be using Modern Family to develop and launch other shows into other nights, but they need to come up with something that can develop and audience and keep it when it moves. Suburgatory might have been able to do that, but it's been handled in such a way that it's not going to happen.

The best hope here is that S.H.I.E.L.D. blows up and gives the network a foothold on Tuesday that they can exploit. Otherwise, ABC will probably be in the same place - or worse - this time next year.